As we all know, sweets are an extremely important part of life. Chi-chan, the star of a series of commercials of the Japanese chewing gum company Sakeru that has completely devastated everything I thought I knew about life, believes it deeply. She and her boyfriend Tooru-san are big fans of Sakeru Gummy, a line of chewing gum "rippable" that comes in short formats and "looong". The practical, realistic Tooru-san prefers the smaller and more traditional chewing gum size. Unfortunately for him, however, Chi-chan's wishes are more … unconventional.
Over the years, many American candy companies have tried to market large portions of chewing gum to young people. In fact, many have done quite well; In the 1980s and 1990s, Wrigley used Terry Gilliam animations and rude cartoons to successfully convince children that Bubble Tape is good because older people think it is bad. But no American company of chewing gum has even approached the emotional ecstasy and the subsequent devastation of Long Long Man.
Tuned to the melody of what surely is a riff scam of the sexy saxophone of "Careless Whisper", which Sakeru could not or did not want to license, the eleven (!) discrete episodic commercials tell the story of Chi-chan's unbridled love life. Start in a carefree day in the park, where she and Tooru-san enjoy small pieces of bubble gum in the sun. That is, until he sets his eyes on a mysteriously unknown man with a goatee and tuxedo named Loooong, Looooooong, Maaaaaaaaaan.
She is paralyzed by the length of her … chewing gum, and then mysteriously appears during an appointment with Tooru-san at the zoo (Long Long Man … the chewing gum is as long as the trunk of an elephant!), then at her door (delivering a box of boring Tooru-san gum, with a stick from her long … chewing gum sticking out of her … delivery uniform pocket), she can no longer resist, and throws (mouth first ?!) into your soft arms and tear the gums. This, of course, means that she must end things with Tooru-san, who is beside herself with pain. That's until Chi-chan says she's dying, so "always [she looks] on long stuff, [she feels] assured." No logical connection is offered between death and elongated chewing gum.
Eventually she reconciles with Tooru-san – after a friend with strong spatial awareness points out that many short gums equals a long, long rubber band – and agrees to marry him, despite being sexually persecuted by elongated objects like the long, pink ears of a giant bunny whose existential rivals of terror Donnie Darko ] It's Frank.
There are still many, many questions at the end of this epicle of gum-dong saturated with chewing gum. Why these relationships revolve almost exclusively around the chewing gum and chewing gum fandom? By "let's eat," does Chi-chan's boyfriend imply that these people depend on chewing gum for sustenance? Why does he hate chewing gum too long that he has a tantrum about it, and (b) refuses to try it to keep his lady's heart? If Long Long Man's affections really lie where it says at the end of the spiral, why did he apparently undress and chew gum with Chi-chan in bed? D id Chi-chan really simulates a terminal illness as an explanation for her infidelity in the gums?
But the answers do not matter, my friends. What matters is the most powerful jingle chorus of our time: the George of the Jungle -loud cry of "Looooong, loooooooong maaaaaaaaaaaaan!" If you get halfway there and you discover "Looooong, loooooooong maaaaaaaaaaaaan!" you have lost your deranged grip on your soul, I beg you: trust me, and continue on this journey. Your patience will be rewarded. The sound … resonates in my mind even now, after six repeated viewings, and will probably reverberate there in the years to come. Who do I root for in this epic saga of sexual desire for gummy corn syrup? I do not know, but Long Long Man has undone me.
